I have been praying again.

I have been praying recently.

The last time I genuinely prayed was when I was eight years old. After a panic attack on my bathroom floor, I prayed to God to bring [redacted] home safe - so life could go back to normal, my mother would smile, and my family would be whole again. I remember I promised myself to God that night - claimed I would spend the rest of my life devoted to religion, working for the church, and spreading the word if He just answered my prayer this once. [redacted] never returned home.

When I was forced to pray after that, I'd talk back to God, curse Him out.

I have never claimed to be a good Catholic. In fact for many years I have claimed to not be one at all.

I don't even know why I'm praying or thinking of God recently - maybe it's a sign I'm getting older? more mature? Maybe I've dug myself a dirt grave to lie in as I go back to my roots. The very core of my being.

I don't know why or what I'm praying for. My prayers have gone unanswered again. I think God is mad at me.

by; Tori Sheehan