hungover, sad, rambling nonsense.

Woke up hungover. The type of hangover occurs after drinking too much on an empty stomach. Empty if you don’t count birthday cake and antidepressants. Not working too much today, the pills I mean. Ate dried up cereal with no milk because my limbs were too heavy to get my milk out of the fridge. Sat at my desk eating dried cereal brought me back to this time last year, in my little first-year college room. Surviving on a bottle of cranberry juice for two days straight because I was too sad to uncurl my toes, let go of myself, to go to the shop. I held myself tightly a lot back than as though I’d fall apart. I say I would have actually.

Didn’t have too much time to think back on those days as the rain let up and the rugby field right outside my window mocked me. So bright. Sun shining down on it. As I hold myself in my blanket. Old habits die hard is what I’ve learnt this week. Or two, I’ve lost count of the days.

My Sun left today just as the rain let up. If that isn’t God mocking me, reminding me of what I’m missing, then I don’t know what is. Getting mocked a lot today, it seems. My Sun (redacted), left to move back to our hometown. Two days ago, had my first panic attack in my new place over the thought of my loved ones dying.

Anyways, our childhood dream of all living in the same place at the same time, just like those 90s sitcoms, feels crushed. cold even. The sun has gone behind the clouds as I write this. Even the clouds are mocking me for wanting a reality so out of reach.

Church bells woke me from my overthinking, and now I’m going to try sleep the vodka out of my system, while questioning why God has abandoned us all.